| once again... |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|02:27 am] |
Ok, so here's the NEW deal: I did this in September and then again in April and now I will fill it out as of now to see how much things have changed. The "o"s are what have changed since september. The "s"s are what've changed since April. Do it!
x - indicates things i've done
( ) snuck out of the house
(x) seen a shooting star
(x) been to another country
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) taken a shower with a member of the opposite sex
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(o) made out in an elevator
( ) swore at your parent(s)
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts
(o) been in love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) ran over an animal and killed it
( ) broken a bone
(o) had sex
(x) given someone a bruise
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
(x) seen a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(o) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(I mean, bread from panera...)stole something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(o) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
(s) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(o) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(s) been in an abusive relationship
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers...well, I had kidney stones...
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) should be doing your homework
Ok, so basically nothing in my life has changed...if only |
|
|
| She said, I can sing a song so blue that you will cry in spite of you |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|09:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the library | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  yet tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Summer in the City - Regina Spektor | ] |
By the way, BEE TEA DUBS, I'm in love with Regina Spektor. I'm just saying. Ok, so this entry is for SARAH CALIENDO. I'm her new love interest, her mother told her so.
I shall tell a story now. One day, long long ago (and by long long ago i mean last week), i was walking down the street in wellesley and my phone rings. I take it out and LO AND BEHOLD, it's CALIENDO! Now WHAT are the odds of THAT?! So i made her come pick me up and we did errands together and got chai tea with vanilla even though the guy gave her coffee instead. Stupid guy. Whatevs. Then we went to her house and made dinner and i met her bird and her parents and it was SO FUN and then there was a murderer in her hallway so we left and got lost on the way to my house. So then, a few days later, i get a call at 2 am and it's sarah and her ride fell through so she got a ride back to ithaca with me and JOCELYN and it was AMAZING and we had SO MUCH FUN and i fell asleep and she and jocelyn talked about talking about me. Silly girls:)
But ever since then, sarah's been in love with me and she's stalking me and i don't have the heart to tell her that i have a new girl in my life right now. *sigh* it's hard being so desired.
hah! kidding. caliendo, you're Amazing with a capital "A"! sorry we forced you to listen to regina all the way back to school. but it did beat sadie's constant meowing. the little bitch. but her mother is my best friend so i must pretend to love her. whatever. WOO! |
|
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| I will love you...til my dying day |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|09:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
Come what may.
What-fucking-ever may come, who knows where I will be?
It's no secret that last semester was an academic shithole. Kidney stones causing depression that keeps me in bed until noon...not very helpful when it comes to my classes. So here's the deal. I had to withdraw from one of my classes, so I only had 12 credits. I got three incompletes, one from a professor who I never even met (because it was a fitness class and he would never return my emails telling me where to sign in or anything at the fitness center), one is in chorus, and that's being taken care of, and the last was in fiction writing. all my work for fiction is done so that grade should have been changed. but i checked my grades the other day, and all of my incompletes have turned into Fs because none of the teachers submitted the incomplete forms, giving me until the end of next semester to work out the grades. So. My gpa is now UNDER a 3.0, which means that my scholarship is not being deducted from my tuition bill. And until my professors submit the forms and turn my grades back into incompletes (and turn in my actual grade for fiction writing), my scholarship won't be reinstated. and until it's reinstated, my father's not sending my check. I have until the end of the week to save my college career. it would be really nice if my professors would call me back. or change the fucking grades. Oh, and did I mention that I'm on credit warning? And that I was supposed to be taking 18 credits, but I had to take chorus, which is four times a week for one credit, and that knocks out THREE of my classes, so i only have 12 credits? Yeah? Did I mention how my life is spiraling out of control? Why can't I just rewind to the beginning of the year and just drink a lot of water?
For the love of god.
I'm sinking. |
|
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| i stole this from katie because i love her... |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|01:51 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my sister's room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Do It Again - Stroke 9 | ] |
1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'5 1/2
2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship?
no
3. Do you own a gun?
nope
4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
oh, paranoid schizophrenia, no question about it
5. How many letters are in your crush's name?
following in katie's footsteps, j-o-h-n-n-y d-e-p-p (10)
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
i had one last year and felt sick afterward. take that for what it is lol
7. What's your favorite class?
acting
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
vodka straight up. or water, it might be water
9. Do you do push-ups?
nope:-\
10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
oooooh i would love to have my brain cells killed and my spinal fluid leak out of me!
12. Do you like the rain?
love it!
14. Do you own a knife?
Um yeah
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
yup
16. Full initials?
SARC:)
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. i have way too much gum in my mouth
2. i love the song "greensleeves"
3. why am i still awake?
18. Name the last 3 things you bought:
1. gumballs with the girlfriend
2. chocolate chip ice cream with gummy bears and whipped cream;-)
3. an orienal chicken salad
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink, in order most to least:
water, milk, sierra mist, pina coladas, shirley temples
20. What time did you wake up today?
umm...2:30...pm
22. Current worry?
Does this headache mean that I have a brain tumor?
23. Current hate?
the gum that is, for some reason, still in my mouth
24. Favorite place to be?
the cape and ithaca
25. Least favorite place to be?
can't think of anywhere
26. Where would you like to go?
hawaii, or greece, or italy
27. Do you own slippers?
why yes i do!
28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
god, no clue
29. Do you burn or tan?
tan, but it takes a lot of work
30. Yellow or blue?
both, please
31. Would you be a pirate?
WHY'S THE RUM GONE?!
yes
32. Last time your cell rang?
10:36 pm, it was JARUDITROUBLEMAKER calling
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Buddy Beware from Anything Goes, Parting Gift by Fiona Apple...other stuff...
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
witches and evil spirits, i think. at one point, it was garden gnomes
35. What's in your pocket right now?
not a thing
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
oh god, anything that was said tonight at friendly's between me, kell, and darce
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
i don't think i had any fun bed sheets...
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
well, the stitches when i was 2...i'd have to say the first time i had kidney stones though, even though it isn't techinically an injury. *sigh* i love my kidney stones. wait, no
39. What is your GPA?
3.your mom
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2
41. Who is your loudest friend?
lol Anthea, no question
42. Who is your most silent friend?
i'd have to say emily wright...not silent, just soft spoken:)
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
pfft, not anymore, stupid boys lol. i dunno, maybe someone does
44. Do you wish on stars?
yes
45. What is your favorite book?
Middlesex
46. What song did you last hear?
American Girl
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
ummm...forever young by bob dylan...that's what my dad wants anyway...:-\
49. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
contemplating my life as a 20 year old
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
oh god, that was just a dream? then the general devastated letdown you feel after a particularly wonderful dream |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2006|01:25 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my basement | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | bittersweet | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the end of Sex and the City | ] |
So I'm home now and I miss Ithaca already
in no particular order, these are things I miss:
*roomieface and bebeau
*vanilla ice cream with caramel and rainbow sprinkles
*cute girls
*WORMS!
*the tulips outside the gardens
*tv show marathons with crunch
*grilled cheese sandwiches
*vanilla chai tea
*Mama Teresa's at 3 am
*going crazy with the roomies
*the prospect of running into friends in the pub
*my seniors:(
*sleepovers!
*the cloud formations
*hugging me so hard that the wind is knocked out of me
*always having friends around
*roomie love
*when bebeau talks
*"when i hit it, i hit it good!"
*showering on film
*prostituting on film
*shooting up heroin on film
*doing pretty much anything on film
*my lover!
*CRIME!
*fresh flowers by my bed
*being able to see the floor of my bedroom
*thai food with cool girls:-p
*kate nibbling my ears
*friday nights at common ground
*running into meghan miller at the mall/common ground:)
*frank and becca!
*homemade breakfast
*ANARCHY '99!
*my bed
*filming
*the people, the sky and the flowers |
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| Well I hope that she was worth it, and I hope that you are glad |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|03:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my empty body | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | American Life In The Summertime - Francis Dunnery | ] |
I think that everyone should, at one point in their lives, be cheated on, cheat on someone, and be the "other woman". I am not condoning any of these things, I do not believe they are right, but everyone is entitled to one crime of passion and in that instance, I feel that judgment is futile. Sometimes feelings cannot be controlled and while that's not necessarily ok, it can be understandable.
This is just something that's been on my mind for a while, I'm not sure why.
I guess this is why nothing's simple.
Jacki and I played last night. Not played like the delivery girl and I played the other night, but played like friends who haven't seen each other in too long play. It was wonderful:) She said that she wanted to make a movie of my life and entitle it "Sarah's LoveCrapFest" or something like that.
"You are love. Only that. Only love."
I am beginning to realize again how lucky I am to have certain people in my life and how lucky they are to have me as well. Those relationships I have that transcend the normal boundaries of friendship, the ones that consist of sitting around and laughing at more inside jokes than I thought were possible, the ones that consist of chance meetings and long hugs in the pub, or running across campus in the middle of the night or answering the phone at 2:30 in the morning or spending weekends together or running out in the rain or being given a flower or being picked up and spun around or being brutally honest and harsh or being tactful when it's needed. Visiting for no reason, special presents for no reason, chocolate for no reason, thai food for every reason, dancing and laughing and sobbing until you are empty. Skinny dipping in the ocean and walking hand in hand down the rainbow painted streets of p-town. Friendly kisses on the cheek. Friendly kisses on the lips, because they do exist. Laughing at nothing. Laughing at everything. Laughing at the irony of everything. Laughing at a contrived life with the person who's contriving it. Some of these things are friendship, some of them are more, some of them are less but they are all everything that I want from the people I love.
The girl you want is such a waste of time, American life in the summertime.
I realized tonight that I will never lose the will to live. But I hope that I will never have to come to a point where that might even be an issue.
I fell asleep on the couch watching Firefly and I had strange and amazing dreams. I wish I could convey them with the same feeling with which they left me. But I had a dream last night that the doctors found three or four tumors in me and told my parents and my parents told me, and we didn't know if it was cancer but we were pretty sure that it was and that I only had a few days left to live and we had to go to this special place to get it checked out. And in my dream, I woke up and was so relieved and happy that it was just a dream. And then I woke up in real life and real life came back to me.
When I flip the switch, the light turns off. Some things aren't a dream. |
|
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| "If I were anymore open minded about the choices you two make, my brain would fall out" |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|03:06 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | again, not my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my roomie's light snores | ] |
So I was rereading earlier entries, basically because alexis has become my lj friend and I wanted to see what my older "friends only" posts were about. Anyway, I am reading the comments and I realize something about my friend Elaine. So this is for her.
I think it's amazing how open you are to everything. You who, as far as I know;-), are straight, yet so willing to admit that there are women that you find attractive. In my life, I don't think I have ever been judged by you and I don't think that there has ever been a time when I really needed you and you weren't there. You are such an unsual (in a good way!) and extraordinary person, I hope that you are reminded of this every day.
I miss you a LOT and I hope to talk to you soon. We have much to catch up on:) |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|03:29 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | NOT my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Suddenly I see | ] |
Ok, so here's the deal: I did this in September and now I will fill it out as of now to see how much things have changed. The "o"s will be what have changed since september. Do it!
x - indicates things i've done
( ) snuck out of the house
(x) seen a shooting star
(x) been to another country
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) taken a shower with a member of the opposite sex
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(o) made out in an elevator
( ) swore at your parent(s)
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts
(o) been in love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) ran over an animal and killed it
( ) broken a bone
(o) had sex
(x) given someone a bruise
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
(x) seen a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(o) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(I mean, bread from panera...)stole something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(o) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(o) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers...well, I had kidney stones...
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) should be doing your homework
Ok, so not much has changed...but some things have. I'm a wild child. |
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| Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit? |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:26 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | NOT in my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the dull hum of my computer and some random people outside | ] |
Happy Easter yesterday, all you people who celebrate. I don't, or I shouldn't anyway because I'm not at all religious but, you know, whatever.
It's interesting how I am such a descriptive writer yet such an inarticulate person. "The girl, you know, the girl with the hair". Hah, ok, thanks for clearing THAT up. Again, whatever.
Grood.
Anyway, I'm being boring and that's ok cuz it's way past my bedtime and I am not going to provide you with the juicy details of my life through livejournal. So for now I'll say, "hey, what a pointless entry, but whatever, I'm going to bed"
Oh if only you knew what I wanted to say.
oh, p.s. saw Meghan Miller and her friend Abby (whose hair looks ADORABLE) at cgs on friday. was awesome to see them, just fyi. |
|
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| After leaving gorgeous footsteps in the sand as if she didn't care... |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|08:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Flying Horses - Dispatch | ] |
Yesterday Abby and Alexis and I went to get pierced and tattooed. My navel is now pleasantly adorned with a curved bar with an aquamarine stone at the bottom. I am quite happy with it:) I wish I weren't too fickle to get a tattoo. If I ever got one, it would probably be a star on my foot or the gemini symbol on my hip. But we'll see. Had game night last night with Alexis, Abby and Robyn, it was awesome, Abby and I kicked ass at Cranium ONCE more. It rocked. Mal came for a bit too, but had to leave because she wasn't feeling well. Abby and Mal are just so darn cute!
Today was fine. Woke up, tended to my navel:) and searched desperately for Sophie's Choice. Mike and his awesome roommate Zac took me on their excursion to the mall because they needed stuff for our film shoot TOMORROW NIGHT, so excited. I am getting beat up but I get to look pretty doing it. Oh, I also get to vomit up oatmeal and corn. Hot, I know. So anyway, Zac found Sophie's Choice at Best Buy (most depressing movie, by the way, but fabulous) and we went across the mall to Target and we passed the pet store and who should I see working there but the lovely Meghan Miller! It was so good to see her, it completely made my day. I hope we get to hang out soon, she's such a busy girl!
We watched the l word tonight, it was so happysad, I almost cried like fifty times. The girls who we watch the show with are so funny, I really like hanging out with them. Then the fabulous Katie Cohen came back and we watched coupling.
I really should clean my room. It's quite messy but oh well. Yeah, so this is pretty much the most boring entry ever. But you know what, I'm entitled, it's been a shitty few weeks. Some boredom is exactly what I need. As I type this, the pain in my kidney becomes greater. YES. Love it.
Anyway.
It's cool, I'm cool, loving life as always. Got to talk to Kate today about some stuff. It was nice, I hadn't talked to her in a while and it was great to catch up. She is, after all, my sister. We talked about relationships. I love that I can talk to her about anything.
Now it's time for me to tend to my navel and hop into bed.
Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you... |
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| That's all I have to say, I love you, is that ok? |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|12:01 am] |
I am so lucky to have such beautiful people in my life. Something I wouldn't trade for anything, so thank you guys.
I don't really know what to do right now. Last saturday night I was kicking ass at Cranium with some lovely ladies (it's AFRO!!!) and now? I don't even know how I have the energy to type. I definitely don't have the mental capacity to write something worth reading, so don't even bother, I guess it's just something I have to get out.
But I'm not even sure what it is that needs to get out. Pain, confusion, desperation...utter despair at what has happened this past week...something.
Sometimes I wish I was stupid and shallow. My worst problem would be a broken nail. And I would cry over it.
So take my mind, take my thoughts, take my words and my soul and my laughter and set them all on fire. I don't want them anymore. I want them gone, I want them out of me, I want to forget. Why can't I wake up from this?
There is that little voice in the back of my mind, the mind that's still there, and that voice, so annoying and innocent, says that things will get better. I'm waiting for that time. I see white skies and mint covered kisses and warm beds. I see chloe running in the ocean, timing the waves perfectly before jumping in. I see my grandpa sitting at the head of the table, scooping out chocolate chocolate chip ice cream and teaching me how to pronounce Hagen Das. I clearly didn't learn how to spell it. I see all the people of my past, all the people I've hurt, all the people who have hurt me...I see them getting what they deserve, good or bad, and finally being content. I hope that comes for me soon. Last semester was so amazing and this semester has been...ups and downs and new friends and new enemies, not to mention a nice long month of constant pain, both physical and emotional.
I don't mean to complain. People have been through so much worse than this, but right now I just need to be upset, I need to feel it.
I'm sick of feeling it.
Things will work out. Somehow. They always do, in death or living or tears or blood or laughter and smiles or sleeping all day or crying to your friends or locking yourself in a room alone forever...it will work out. Somehow.
I am too strong for this. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nothing but the ticking clock | ] |
I didn't know things could hurt this much. The whole reason I wanted to come home so much for break...and now I just want to be anywhere else. I don't want to be in a place where she's supposed to be but isn't. I don't want to sleep in my room by myself. I don't want to cry and have her not there to comfort me. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless...and hopeless, she's gone, she really is, forever. We grew up together, from puppies, and now I'm here and she isn't. I want to be back at school. The drama of the past few days is nothing compared to this. I would happily have my heart broken, I would break it myself if it would bring her back. I found out an hour ago...an hour, just an hour. Think I'm overreacting, think I'm being dramatic, think I'm being pathetic, I don't care, it doesn't matter anymore. Chloe was a part of my family, she wasn't just a pet.
Can anyone relate?
I'm really going to need my friends for the next few days. |
|
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| Once my lover, now my friend... |
[Mar. 3rd, 2006|02:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple | ] |
This break may be needed. I can't wait to get home and see my parents and my dog and my pretty ladies. I need a drama free environment. I need to be in a place where the only attractive people around are simply my best friends. I need to be with myself, I need to get away, I will miss you all so much like you wouldn't believe.
Right now it hurts to move. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to exist a bit, too. And I'm not being overdramatic and hyperbolic, it actually physically hurts. But I can't sleep at my desk, so I guess I'll have to move and breathe. And I'll try to exist. We'll see.
Things always work out in the end. And if they don't, it's not the end.
I miss you already, you know. Hopefully tomorrow will work some things out. |
|
|
| I am writing grafitti on your body |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|10:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | You're Beautiful - James Blunt | ] |
I hate that my fingers are the middlemen. They're doing the dirty work here. I want to be able to just sit and think and have my words appear without having to move. But I don't suppose that's possible...
...oh well. I'm feeling a block about my writing. I am lacking in ideas. That being said, when I do have something to write, I can feel my style developing with each word. But what good is that when I don't have anything to say?
What's the point of writing, anyway? Lucky for me, I have people in my life who are always willing to read what I write. Especially you, Rob, and I want you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you're there to give me feedback.
But what if no one was there to read it. Is the point of writing to have it read? Or can you just do it to do it? I think it depends on the piece. Creative prose are meant to be read. Journal entries such as this one are not necessarily meant to be read. Maybe they're meant as therapy.
Over winter break, three things happened. My dog got cancer, my nana got sick and my grandma died. We were in Brooklyn for the funeral and we stopped at Staples and my dad and uncle went to get something, I don't remember what but it's not important. Dad asked if anyone wanted anything. I had been in a daze the entire day but something snapped me out of it and right before he left, I asked for a notebook. "What kind?" he asked. "I don't care, anything." I answered. I just needed to write. We got home and I wrote and wrote and wrote until my hand hurt. I had forgotten how amazing it felt.
Why don't I do the things that make me feel incredible?
I guess this is just a little low point. Things always get better. I'm not worried. People always seem surprised that I can hold my own, but don't worry, I really can. Physically, intellectually, emotionally...I really can do it. But right now I need to shower. It's time to be Alanis, and then meet a simply smashing girl in the pub for coffee".
Just let me survive this week, please.
On an unrelated note, I have been feeling for like, a year and a half that I want to do something slightly drastic with how I look. I think that a piercing is in order. Any suggestions? My girlfriend has already weighed in, thanks baby:) Can't wait to see you and the rest of my pretty ladies:) |
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| Baby we were born to run... |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|02:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the totally awesome CD I made | ] |
If I have one regret in my life, it is coming out of the blocks on a wet track that day. Every so often I remember how much I miss it and how amazing it felt to be the best at something. Not even that, it just felt so good, so freeing. I remember one day, just running and I couldn't stop smiling and I couldn't stop laughing.
And now?
That stupid day. Opening of spring season. I had been looking forward to it since middle school. Outdoor track, the 100 meter. Those damn blocks. That fucking wet track. And everyone thought I was just being a baby when I couldn't run. I guess no one realized that I actually did love it. No one realized that the reason I was so nervous before each race was because I needed to be the fastest but I never could be.
I remember one time, during the 300 meter, winter, indoor season. The track always smelled like gunpowder, it made me sick, that damn gun, why couldn't they just yell "go"? That's the thing that I hated, the only thing I hated, that stupid gun. This particular day, I don't remember anything except that race...I made friends with one of the girls, I don't remember her name or what she looked like. All I remember is that she beat me, somehow. And I was so frustrated and tired and mad that I just sat there on the bleachers, taking off my track spikes, tears running down my face and I couldn't stop them and the girl came up to me and asked what was wrong and I smiled and said "nothing" and the tears fell into my mouth. I just cried. And it wasn't because she won and it wasn't because I came in second, it was because I could've come in first. I could've pushed myself harder, I could've wanted it more, I could've been the best but I didn't and I don't know why.
(I would like to take this opportunity to quote my roommate who just said, "Wow, I have stumbled upon two five foot lesbians." Thank you, I'm sorry for the brief interruption, assuming that this is even being read. Dude, totally, if you're reading this, leave me a comment. I LOVE comments, they make my day. For serious.)
It's interesting how something can be nipped in the bud so quickly. I guess that's why they say nipped and not...long, drawn out...whatever, I don't know what I'm saying. It was just such a shock. And I'm mad and upset, not only because I can't run anymore, but because I didn't do everything I could've done when I was in my prime. Who runs the 45 in 6.3 seconds the first time she's ever even been ON an indoor track? I mean, come ON, what did I do, huh? I just want to be able to run again without it hurting.
At least I can still dance.
That's something.
I thought I was done, but I guess I'm not. I would like to state for the record that I make amazing mix CDs. Thought you should know.
There's so much that I want to say that I want people to read but at the same time I don't want anyone to read it. This entry is one of the first that is public and actually about something. Trying not to be self indulgent, trying not to be conceited or self important but isn't that the point?
There are parts of me that I wish I didn't have to show people. Vulnerability, like cutting my nails too short, and insecurities that I wish would just quiet down for a little bit, just so that I could hear what someone's saying and hear myself think. I should be asleep. I've already said goodnight to everyone, there's nothing more to do, I just want to write. I should be in bed. I'm sick, I'm in pain, and I'm an idiot because I'm not taking care of myself, clearly. But it's really not like that. It's not because I think I'm not worth it or that I don't deserve to be healthy and happy. Of course I do, everyone does. Except maybe that guy who cut holes in people's heads and poured in Draino. I don't think he deserves to be healthy and happy. Ewwww...
On a happier note, Jocelyn M. Hanc, my elusive other half, is going to be driving me and my dear cousin Alex (who turns 19 today, WOO!) home. So psyched. Six hours in a car with a friend whom I haven't seen in ages. Oh how much we have to catch up on, Jocelyn. Rice? Riiiiiiice...
I need to be in bed right now. I have got a doctor's appointment at 9:45 am, yay. Maybe they'll actually figure out what's wrong with me.
...in fair verona where we lay our scene...
can't wait to see the girlfriend and the other girlfriend and my various wives and friends.
Goodnight you princes of Maine, you kings of New England
oh, p.s. I saw the Goonies on sunday. Jacki, be proud. You know you are:) Goonies never say die. |
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| Vagina! |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|01:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fiona Apple - "Parting Gift" | ] |
So an awesome weekend all in all. Vagina monologues went well, lots of bisexual bonding with Katie and Alison, and lots of bonding with my darling Alexis. I'm not surprised people thought we were dating at the cast party:-p She slept over after and we had good times.
When I said awesome weekend, I probably should have said interesting. Because that it was. I'm a little bummed that the show's over, but it's just so good to feel something like this again. The nervousness I felt on opening night almost made me cry, not because I was scared, but because I was so damn happy to have an opening night again.
So much to do. So much to catch up on. Yay for dumb health problems that keep me out of class and in constant pain. Woo!
Time to sleep in my own bed by myself with my actual roommate in the room. That's something I haven't done all weekend.
Sweet dreams and dirty little secrets.
"I opened my eyes as you were kissing me once, more than once, and you looked as sincere as a dog..."
I have developed an obsession for Fiona Apple. But just fyi, listening to her nonstop for 12 hours will make you want to kill yourself. So don't do it. :-P
Ok, I know I said I was sleeping, and I really am going to, but I just wanted to say that I can't wait to walk down the hall, see a girl from the show and yell, "Hey vagina!" and have her respond in the exact way:) I will miss keeping my freak to myself and getting loud. I love you girls!
I promise I'm leaving now, but I thought you should know that I am currently importing my Hanson CD onto my iTunes. That's right. I am not ashamed! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|12:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | virtual insanity | ] |
It's ironic, really, trying to write about how you feel you've lost the ability to write. Ironic, counter-intuitive, whatever. But I feel like I have. Maybe not the ability because clearly I can still write, but maybe the talent. That is, assuming I actually had talent to begin with. One of my biggest fears is someone telling me that everything people had told me about my writing was a joke and actually I sucked. The thing is, I can't judge my own work. I can tell if it's bad, but I can never tell if it's good. Sometimes I think I would be scared to hear the truth.
I've just lost all motivation. That's bad, really, considering I have a paper due on thursday. And it has to be amazing, it just has to be. I need to be incredible, I need to blow someone away. That's all I want. We had to freewrite a reaction to a poem about silence in my fiction class. I love what I wrote, but who knows if it's any good.
( Silence )
I don't know why I like that, but it just brings a feeling of comfort, I guess. I wish I could put it to words more effectively. And this is supposed to be my job.
So don't read it, if you haven't already, and if you have, be kind.
sleep now. very tired. 5 hours of sleep last night...let's remedy this. |
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| I love roses:) |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|12:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | irked | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Friends | ] |
| You are a Dark Red Rose | 
You represent unconscious beauty and deep passion.
Your vibe: sophisticated and worldly
Falling in love with you is: wildly carnal and forbidden |
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| What happened to the beauty I had inside of me...? |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|01:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Not pretty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | La Vie Boheme - RENT | ] |
So I was getting ready for the Yule Ball today and I realized that I have grown less attractive, exponentially actually, over the last few years. I miss junior year, I think that was the peak of my physical appearance. Boo. And this isn't a "tell me how beautiful you think I am!" entry, trust me. Just something I've been noticing.
So my plan for the rest of my life: win people over with my charming personality. HAH. Just kidding.
Happy break everyone, I love you kids:) |
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| Muahahahah! Mine is an evil laugh! |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|12:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sneezy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "hermione and ron gotta get it on" - my wonderful roomie | ] |
Elaine tagged me! At least, I think she did, it might have been another sarah. Anyway. I think she's pretty, so I decided to do it!
Write ten things in no particular order that make you happy and tag five others:
1. new ketchup
2. those late night bed conversations with crunch
3. scrubs, lost, firefly, and veronica mars marathons
4. the cloud formations in ithaca
5. music
6. the people in my life
7. when my girlfriend accidentally says things with a southern accent
8. emily's racist jokes
9. napping when it rains
10. harry potter
Um so yeah. I have nothing interesting to say. Ok, that's a lie, but I'm tired, really, and I'll write more later. Because you're all so rivetted;-) |
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sarcie's journal